I have started fitness bootcamp and this is a brand new endeavor that I never-in-a-million-years thought I would take on.  When I look back on my life, I dreaded any type of physical activity that involved me being around other people.  I loved playing basketball – but I was always the slowest person on the team.  Those damn suicide drills literally felt like emotional & physical suicide.  I despised P.E. class.  I cringed at the fitness competition my elementary school had to do each year.  Recently, my best friend and I visited our Elementary school and I laughed at how I would cheat on the number of straws I had to represent how many laps I took around the field.  What a nightmare!  I didn’t as much mind the gym – everyone kind of keeps to themselves.  But to workout with people was a total non-desire.  It always made me so anxious that other people would see what poor shape I was in!

I turned a corner 2 weeks ago when a friend of mine convinced me to join Fit Wit.  She told me how nice everyone was – said there are some people who are super hardcore fit – and others who are average – and some that are beginners – but that everyone is very supportive.  I really hated the idea of doing something that put me in a situation where I had to exercise with other people in a confined space – do drills and stuff.  Well, long story short I decided to do Fit With b/c I was awarded 1 free session (6-weeks) b/c I wrote a blog entry for a competition they were having on why I deserved a free session.

Today was the first day of my 3rd week doing bootcamp … and I can’t believe these words are about to come out of my mouth … but I LOVE IT!  Everybody is so nice and supportive!  The trainers definitely push you, but they aren’t like those psycho trainers you see on TV (I am thinking of the Military sergeant in the movie Full Metal Jacket).  And on top of this, I am really enjoying all the different activities we do each night.  It spices it up.  I am not dreading saying to myself, “Ugh, I have to go to the gym and get on the treadmill for 30 minutes).  Instead, there are little activities you do in short but difficult increments of time.  Everything is thought out for me too, so I just have to literally show up and do it!  I am still learning how to do the correct form for some of the stuff – like squats.  And I get a full 1-hour workout 4 days a week.  I haven’t lost any weight yet, I think my body is like, “Whoa!  What the hell are you doing?”  But I am staying confident that I am building muscle and the weight will come off.  I don’t think I have ever pushed myself this hard before in such a short amount of time too.  If I can do it, I know you could, too.

Last Friday was my 2-year Lap “Bandiversary” and I was awarded, serendipitously, camper of the week!  I won 20-free dance classes!  There are so many moments during the camp when I think to myself, “I f***ing can’t believe I am actually doing this!”  I picture how scared I was 2 years ago going into the hospital and now knowing what kind of person I would become when I walked out of there.  It’s fun to push myself.  Even though I have lost 90 lbs, I want to push my body and mind even further.  I want to be in tip top shape.  I want to keep changing over time into being a better, healthier “me.”  It takes time, and I know I am not perfect, and don’t always eat perfectly or have the perfect thoughts or attitude or energy – but at least I am making baby steps!

Running on 10th Street!

After the race in Piedmont Park holding up my coveted Peachtree Roadrace T-shirt

Yeah!  I did the Peachtree Roadrace!  It was such a great experience!  I woke up at 6 am to get ready – eat breakfast – stretch – listen to some upbeat music.  I took MARTA to the Lenox station and found my group (8).  I had about 40 minutes until my timed group finally took off – but it was so exciting to slowly keep moving closer and closer to the Start line.  Once I was there awaiting the countdown – I actually started to tear up.  I felt so silly, but I just couldn’t help it.  I think I was just overcome by A)  All the people + energy and B) Thinking about how far I’ve come with my weight loss and training.  To some people, doing a 10K is second nature – maybe they grew up on the Track club or something.  But to me, it was really a new beginning.  Not only working out – but doing a street race like this with 50,000 other people.  It just made me really excited and nostalgic of that time I sat on my balcony and watched it from afar…and now this year…I was finally doing it!I have to admit, it’s the best 10K for anyone to do for a first time.  There are so many people that nobody is really paying attention to “you” – unless you were dressed in all spandex (as I saw).  It’s a lot of fun with all the people and companies lining the streets to cheer you on.  Everyone is in a great mood.  And mad props to the Atlanta Track Club (Hi Ben!) for organizing such a great race!  

I loved seeing the mile markers and knowing I had just completed 1 mile – 2-3-4-5, etc.  Once I got to the High Museum (where I work) I knew it was the 5-mile marker, which meant I only had about a mile and a half to go!  Once I turned on 10th Street, I knew I would see Edward and David at the corner of 10th and Myrtle, so that gave me my final push to the end.  I just had so much fun.  It was hot and I poured a lot of water on my head.  I did my walk/jog combo and did my best to just listen to my body as to what I needed to do then.  Cardiac Hill sucked (the hill at Piedmont Hospital).  I am not even that sore today – it’s crazy.  I remember doing my very first 5K 82-pounds heavier, and I could hardly even walk the next day.  My legs and abs are sore – but definitely not nearly as bad as I thought they’d be.  Which shoes me that my body is in much better shape considering I just did my very first 10K.

I jogged to the finish line and it was at that point I wouldn’t let myself stop. U2′s live version of “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” played on my iPod shuffle and it took me to the finish line. It was kind of an exciting + spiritual moment and I was so proud of myself for rocking it out at the Peachtree Roadrace.  Of course, the real race is always within yourself – and I am loving seeing how my body is changing due to my weight loss – and my attitude – and I am already thinking about beating my time next year

This is from my blog Live Live To The Fullest

My weight is still at the 80 pounds down mark.  I am so thrilled I’ve lost 80 pounds!  But I have my eye on the prize.  My immediate goal is to get down to 100 pounds off.  That’s only 20 pounds away!  I talked to my doctor’s office b/c of my plateau and they saw my food diary that I kept for a week.  They were really happy with my diary and maybe seemed a little surprised that I’ve hat this plateau.  The nurse said there wasn’t anything glaring off the page on my eating + activity.  So it made me happy to see that I am doing well and staying on track.  I can always think of a few things I can be doing to be better, but I am realizing that I’m never going to be PERFECT … but I can be pretty damn good!  

I am trying some new combinations of proteins and trying to eat something different for breakfast.  If my weight doesn’t budge in 2-weeks I might need another Lap Band fill.  

Anyway, over all things are great!  I just need to kick this plateau and sinus infection.  Especially now that I’m in this running group, I’m especially surprised my weight has plateaued.  Maybe it’s muscle?  I feel slimmer!  More than anything though, I’m just so much a happier now than ever before – due to a myriad of reasons.  I’m always daydreaming about where I’ll travel next.  And being healthy makes those daydreams a lot more fun now!  I’m in talks with a photographer friend of mine in Virginia about an Africa trip in 2011!  

Okay, Kate should be here so I’m going to go put on my NEW running sneakers!

This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest

I had a GREAT weekend in Asheville.   I hung out with hippies and re-connected with some of my best girlfriends from college.  We camped out and did morning Yoga and meditation and took a Thai massage class and I did a breathing workshop!  It was very centering to be near all the nature again and my friends.  It felt great to re-connect in a myriad of ways.  

Now back to the real world, but it’s a good world to be in.  

Morning Meditation

Doing Yoga is way more fun when you're not toting around 80 pounds!

This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest

It’s very, very cold in Atlanta right now.  I went on a Sunday afternoon walk/jog through Piedmont Park – it was freezing.  I think in Paris it’ll be close to like 20 or 30 degrees, so I’ll have to pack warm!  I am excited to take some photos for my Blog.  My 1-year “Bandiversary” is next Thursday.  I might be at the Eiffel Tower that day!  I am like 4 pounds away from my 1-year LB goal!  Down 76 pounds…and eventually I want to be down 120 pounds.  I’m excited, and just very eager to get it all off.  

I’m meeting Katie for Sushi tonight – we’re gonna go over our last minute Paris plans!  I’ll be back soon.  

Hope you all had a great weekend.

I am working toward my goal of being down 80 pounds by my 1-year “Bandiversary” on January 15th.  And my goal of being down 100 pounds by July.  And my long term goal is to be down 120 pounds.  So, if you look at it this way…I am only about 40 pounds away from my long term goal!  

I went running on the treadmill tonight and saw my reflection in the gym window.  I felt really proud of myself.  Not only watching myself jogging, and knowing that I forced myself to the gym tonight (I really, really didn’t want to go), but also just seeing how much better I look.  More fit.  In shape.  Slender.  And most importantly … Happier!  

I really have this feeling that I can accomplish anything in my life.  I’ve made some very brave decisions this year in a variety of areas of my life, and I am proud.  I am still “in my  head” about my goals and my future, but I am proud of how far I have come the past 11 months.  

Oh, this is cool – my friend Leslie is going to interview me for an article in a magazine!  It’ll be about my weight loss journey, and I am stoked!  And I will be in Paris for my 1-year “Bandiversary” – just by coincidence, but I think it’s very cool!

Food still makes me happy, without question.  But I have a totally newfound respect for it.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE cooking, and I enjoy food and produce.  I think more deeply about foods.  And tastes.  And ways to enjoy it.  I don’t eat fast food or drink soda anymore.  I don’t stuff my mouth without really thinking about what is going inside.  Even nights where I don’t cook and I heat up a Trader Joe’s frozen meal, for some reason, I just appreciate it more.  I don’t know what’s changed exactly.  Because, as I said, my Lap Band didn’t cause me to have an aversion to food.  In fact, I might even enjoy food more so.  But now, just in a totally different way.  I am constantly paying attention to my relationship with it.  And I am not perfect.  I snack and I eat the wrong foods sometimes at the wrong time.  But it just doesn’t seem to occur as often.  

I am having a big Christmas party at my apartment next Monday night!  My sister, brother-in-law and 3-month old baby nephew, Gabriel, will be over.  I’m inviting over my close friends in the area for a night of food and fun and merriment.  I am already planning on what I am going to cook.  I just enjoy food so much more now, and the idea of sharing it with those I love.  I’m sure I’ll write about what I decide to cook later on in the week.

Anyway,  I guess I just wanted to write to anyone who is listening.  If you struggle with weight issues.  I understand.  But it is possible to tackle the issue and see success.  Battles with weight almost become so commonplace.  I know I will always struggle and will always, forever, have to watch my weight.  But at least I can get all that I have gained off and create a new perspective of myself and life in general.

And you can, too!  Be strong and go forth.

Onto a serious note…

I have had friends who have struggled with addiction (i.e. alcoholism and drug abuse and cigarettes) so I read this article to maybe gain some insight on the subject.  The article asks, “What does it mean to be an addict?  For a long time the answer was that someone lacked willpower…In the current jargon of the recovery movement, addiction to alcohol, drugs or nicotine is a ‘bio-psycho-social-spiritual’ disorder…” 

I didn’t know this but the term “addiction” comes from the Latin addictus, a debtor who was indentured to work off what he owed.  I thought this was so interesting and I can now draw so many interesting visuals in my head that play off this relationship.

There are some new drugs out there that completely erases an alcoholics desire to drink.  It’s not the old one that makes you vomit once you’ve digested alcohol (Pavlov’s Dog Syndrome), but it calms down the wiring in an alcoholics brain (their brains are wired differently than non-alcoholics brains) and causes them to simply not desire alcohol anymore.  There’s also this new drug out that gets rid of the feeling of intoxication.  This would surely put every bar and college Frat house out of business, but for the sake of alcoholism, it’s like, “What’s the point if I can’t feel drunk?”  

The article mostly talked about alcoholism, nicotine and drug addiction like heroin and cocaine.  It didn’t talk at all about food addiction.  I thought this was interesting because the article’s message is that people who suffer addictions have an illness, not just a crutch, and therefore, their illness should be treated just like any illness.  We don’t shun our friend who needs to take their insulin shot, do we?  

What about food?  Our society looks at overweight people as lazy and fat.  It is so the opposite.  Unfortunately, fat is worn on the outside at all times.  This is the double crutch of obesity.  At least an alcoholic or a smoker can still look good on the outside?  But sucks for them that they don’t really know what they’re doing to their body.  

I was never teased for being chubby.  It was usually for my curly hair that got all of the attention.  I always had friends.  Well, except those middle school years where I only had one friend.  We both played the flute.  I think everyone in middle school had that “one friend who played the flute.”  My family and our sense of humor was my saving grace in those years.  But I wasn’t lacking friends because of my weight, it was because I was so shy (believe it or not!).  And luckily, my two best friends went to another middle school so on weekends, when it *really mattered who your friends were at 13, I had them to hang out with for pizza parties and prank calls.  

So not everyone who is overweight has these sob stories of having no friends and people yelling names at them at the bus stop or during that Red Rover game.  I always faired pretty well.  Just like, not every alcoholic has that wake-up call story of coming out of a blackout, waking up in their own vomit, at 3AM.  Sometimes, alcoholics and cocaine addicts are the life of the party.  

This Newsweek article just got me to think about addictions.  I know that alcoholics miss alcohol and drug addicts miss the drugs and smokers miss having their excuse to step outside, get away from it all, and pull out a drag.  

What about the social side of eating.  It’s everywhere.  Is my LAP Band equal to one of these drugs?  A little plastic personal assistant?  When I eat too much I get this pain in my chest.  It’s not really bad enough where I am on the floor, rolling around saying to myself, “Never again!”  But it’s there.  My brain listens more closely now to when I am full.  

What do I miss about being able to eat like I used to?  I think I am still mourning the fact that I can’t eat as much as I used to.  In all actuality, I am surprised how much I can still eat with my 2nd fill.  I don’t have one pea and a carrot on my plate; I actually have a meal.  Just much smaller portions.  Sometimes, my urge is to keep eating.  To have seconds.  Usually when I am eating at home with my family or at a dinner party – when there’s just so much leftover food.  Or after I go grocery shopping and have an amazing, beautiful array of fresh, colorful foods at my display.  So yes, I am still mourning my portions.  The idea that one serving is 99 percent of the time enough.  

People who really, really enjoy things that can put them in physical, emotional, financial or spiritual debt have to put off instant gratification for the long term reward.  A practice I think we can all learn from in many areas of our lives.

Now, I am looking forward to eating things like quinoa and sushi wrapped up in brown rice (a shout out to Whole Foods!).  I do miss those chicken tacos from Chile’s.  Anyway, food still gives me a bit of a dopamine rush when I think about it.  Does it do that to everyone?  Everyone has to eat, right?  I am curious.  But I am working on keeping it in check.  Knowing I have a choice in how happy I’ll be if I eat that piece of cheese.  It’s still a journey, but I am so glad I am on it.  Right now my stomach is growling as I write this blog.  Oh, the irony.

The Newsweek article ends with this:

“The 12 Steps begin with a confession of powerlessness over addiction.  But there’s hope that science may some day help put that power within the reach of anyone who needs it.  And then who would choose not to grasp it, and begin the long war for sobriety – a war without end, but one worth the fighting.” 

As of today, I am officially down 53 pounds!   

My goal by my B-Day (July 15th) is to be down 60 pounds.

Just needing to vent so I don’t take it out on those closest to me. Just got back from the gym though, so at least I’m trying!

I go in for my 2nd fill (where they tighten the band) the end of the month, which I’m sure will help. It’s just frustrating to be working out every day and not see the numbers dropping.

Which makes me think, what is going on in your life that you feel as though you’re not seeing the results you’d like? It seems like everyone has something, so share. You might feel better!