Golden Delicious she is not.  The woman is a pioneer on Food Network.  I get that.  But people always give her the benefit of the doubt, “But did you know she used to be agoraphobic and never left her house?”  Really?  I don’t care.  She scares me!  

The episode we watched was all about CHEESE.  And I do *LOVE* cheese, myself.  But it’s frightening what she cooks.  How does she still have a pulse?  Has she not had a cardiac arrest?  Are her arteries not clogged with fat and resentment?  

The best was the “Fried White Chocolate Cheesecake” she made.  As if cheesecake (which is my FAVORITE dessert) isn’t fattening enough, why make it white chocolate?  AND WHY FRY IT?  How are you still alive, woman?  It was funny to watch because the audience was in glutton shock.  Every time you thought she was done with the damn thing, she’d continue in her southern drawl by going, “And that’s not all!”  … “Now we’re gonna drizzle it with chocolate…and that’s not all … now we’re gonna wrap it in a crepe … and that’s not ALL, y’all … now we’re gonna fry it.  And that’s not all … now we’re gonna top it off with real whipping cream … and that’s not all … now we’re gonna drizzle it with chocolate and powdered sugar … don’t forget the fresh mint on top!…”  

Katie and I were in such horrific shock we were screaming at the television set as if Paula could here us, “Please Paula!  Make it stop!”  We added up all the calories on Katie’s calorie counter on her computer and I think it came to about 2500 calories for just the cheesecake.  I’m supposed to have 1200 calories a day on my Lap band.  Most women are supposed to have 1700-2000 calories a day for a healthy metabolism.  WTF Paula!  One piece of your cheesecake is over double what I’m supposed to have in a day.  You are evil and I think your teeth are too sharp and pointed for you to be a human being with a heart (that’s not clogged).  

I’m telling you that this charade of “And that’s not all’s…” went on for what seemed like my entire 26th year of life.  I could feel my heart clogging just watching this.  Her overly bleached teeth and blue hair and that scary smile revel with delight that she is an evil monster that hides beneath fat people’s beds at night.  She is Paula Deen, dammit.  And this is her party.