I will never forget when my sister pulled me aside during our “you need to lose weight” talk.  We were in the Bahamas during Christmas of ’06 – when I fell off that jet ski – and was the moment I realized I needed to lose weight.  (Read my blog entry about it here.)

Although I didn’t have major medical issues, I knew I was on my way to having something like diabetes if I didn’t lose weight.  I was still in denial.  I remember saying to my sister, “What if I try really hard to lose weight and I end up dying from something else, like a coconut falling on my head, or a car crash?” And she said, “Well, at least you know you tried everything you could.”  So it was kinda like one of those thoughts, “What if I tried really hard to not die from a bad heart or diabetes but something else ends up killing me anyways.”  I guess that’s a normal reaction.  But I knew I needed to do everything I COULD to be healthy.  We are out of control in so many ways in our lives.  So if I end up dying from a coconut falling on my head, I guess so be it.  At least loved ones, and my own Spirit, won’t be able to say, “If only she had done something about that weight.  She could have lived longer.”

This brings me some sort of peace.  Also a little anxiety when we realize how out of control we are.  Elizabeth didn’t ask for cancer.  Errin didn’t ask for that fateful Tuesday morning.  But perhaps there is some peace in something happening to you that’s outside of your control.  It brings up Spiritual/Religious/Existential questions.  But nobody can ever say, “If only they had done something different”  It was what it was.  So for me, I am trying to live a healthy life so that I can have as many years on this planet as possible … to travel the world … make a difference … have a family.  And if something, by fate’s chance, happens.  Then it is to be.  At least I can say that I am taking my own health in my hands.

I am proud to say that I have officially lost 93 pounds!!!  I can’t believe it!  I had a huge drop this week – I lost like 6 pounds.  I am not really sure why…I haven’t been overly trying, nor have I not been trying.  Plus, it’s the holidays, and even the healthiest of people are overcome with food temptations!  I am only 6 pounds away from losing 100 pounds!  I honestly can’t believe it!  The Lap Band has honestly saved me.  It’s been hard, lots of acid reflux, vomiting, saying “no” to cookies, waking up at 7am to train for my first 10K, etc.  It has not been easy.  But it’s surely been worthwhile.

Visit my blog at Live Life To The Fullest

I feel like I have been eating out a lot lately.  I have been working out on and off – I haven’t been as strict but I haven’t been slack either.  I need to be a little more strict though – like tonight I didn’t work out but I should have.  The trick is not making myself feel bad about this.  Tomorrow is a new day!

My favorite thing I ate today was a tiny sliver of cheesecake at work.  If you know me, you know that I LOVE CHEESECAKE.  I swear – cheesecake is the only food that I literally feel like it goes straight to my soul.  When my mom was pregnant with me, she only had  a craving for cheesecake.  So it’s not surprising that my favorite food in the world is cheesecake.  A co-worker made some and I took a little sliver of it b/c I didn’t want to feel denied – but I also didn’t want a whole piece.  It’s nice that I can show myself that I can have a little of this and a little of that and still feel in control.  I will admit, when I go to NYC in 2 weeks, I am definitely going to have to get NYCheesecake (to me, the “C” in cheesecake is deserving enough to be part of the NYC abbreviation).

I ordered some cold weather running pants and a little glove and hat so now I have zero excuse not to workout even in a blizzard!

I really enjoyed Julie & Julia.  I actually liked the part about Julia Child better than the Julie part (despite my favor in name )  I think the “Julie” part – being about a blog writer definitely relates to a younger audience.  If they made a feature autobiographical movie about Julia, I don’t think it would have gotten the same audience and warm response from people of all ages.  Of course, perhaps I am just jealous that a blog writer got her blog made into a movie!

Tonight I made some spicy thai shrimp.  I steamed the shrimp in a pot.  I always find it a funny science that in order to thaw something, you let running COLD water onto it.  One would think you would do hot water.  This little tid bit makes me smile for some reason.

I mixed the shrimp in with some fresh mushrooms and spicy green curry sauce from Trader Joe’s.  Then I mixed it together with some peanut sauce.  Peanut sauce makes everything taste good!  This would have been really good with rice, but I am keeping my commitment to only eat carbs 2 times per week.  I had  a pretty “carby” weekend (I’ll just make that a word), so I served it on top of spinach.  It looks a little messy in the photo but it was very tasty!

Spicy thai shrimp

This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest

There is something that really annoyed me about the show and I can’t put my finger on it.  Any of your thoughts, insights and opinions are wanted!  I don’t think it’s the premise, because I watched the show.  Maybe it’s the guy whose dating the girls?  Like, there is something about him that annoys me.  He seems really sweet and kind.  Maybe it’s the double standard between men, women and weight.  Here’s this guy who is overweight but he seems to be like the “Prince” to all of these broken women.  Tonight’s episode he hosts a Prom for the women – and so many of them started crying about how they never went to Prom or had awful Prom experiences, etc.  I was glad they were able to re-live their experiences into a better one, but on the other hand, I just feel like there’s such a double standard.  These women open up about how broken they are and how they haven’t had good experiences with men because of their weight, but what about him?  Does he really think he is like the God-send to these women?  That he’s the hottest thing since sliced bread?  He’s not unattractive, but I don’t think he has the looks OR personality to give him the golden key to these women’s hearts.  Personally, I think these women can do a lot better.  Maybe it will make sense when I see him with the one he ends up with at the end of the show, but at least tonight, something about it felt unbalanced.

Even though I have struggled with weight, I don’t necessarily feel like I have missed out on my life.  Although, I am glad I am solving my issues with weight while I am still young!  But I went to Prom, always had a lot of friends, crushes, etc.  I haven’t dated dozens and dozens of people, but I have been in love and in a serious relationship – and that relationship’s demise had nothing to do with my weight – we simply weren’t a good match.  I now know, being in a healthy minded place, I wouldn’t choose to date the same person again who had unhealthy habits – but I didn’t fall into this relationship, or fall in love, because I didn’t think there would be anyone else for me.  It has been very ironic that I was in a relationship 80 pounds ago, but now that I am fit and healthy and happy, I have been single for 2 years!  It’s so ironic!  And sometimes frustrating.  But overall, I also know I don’t settle and don’t plan on settling for any less than I deserve, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Actually, the one part of the show tonight that I totally felt a ping in my heart about was a scene where the Bachelor and his date go horseback riding.  He makes some comment like, “I hope the horse can handle my 300 pounds!”  In another scene, the girl says something akin to, “I was glad the horse could carry me, I don’t know why it wouldn’t, it carries carts!”  I definitely thought, “awwww, I know that feeling.”  People don’t realize how being overweight really impacts these daily moments in life.  I remember when I was at Disneyland, I was nervous to get on the roller coaster.  I had all this anxiety in my head that the bars wouldn’t close.  It wasn’t even like I was on a TLC show and couldn’t leave my house!  But just being so aware of my weight caused me to be anxious about something as simple as going on a roller coaster.  I still find myself catching my thoughts, but they are fewer and farther between.  Now, I am excited to do physical activities because my body is turning into that of a more “normal” person.  I can’t wait to go horseback riding, zip line in Costa Rica and go whitewater rafting again.  The last time I went whitewater rafting was 80 pounds ago, and that life vest was really uncomfortable!  And I recently went to Six Flags and had a great time going on the roller coasters and not worrying about those stupid safety bars!

Anyway, that’s my rant about this show.  I felt glad that they were highlighting Plus Size women (and a man) as people who deserve just the same amount of love and commitment as anybody else.  That’s the bottom line – everyone deserves love.  I still go back to that I think a lot of these women – especially if they lost weight and felt better about themselves – could do so much better than this guy.  I think they like the attention from him – feeling loved for the first time – and I go back to the first time I felt loved by someone, and overweight or not, it’s a feeling everybody deserves.

This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest

My weight was at a standstill but now it seems to be heading South again – which I am really grateful for!   I think it’s a mixture of a bunch of reasons, but I think I have hopefully gotten over my plateau.  I weighed myself yesterday and lost 3 more pounds.  This puts me at being down 84 pounds!

I went running today with the Atlanta Track Club – my friend Ben works for the ATC and organizes a running group for Monday nights.  I sometimes feel intimidated because I’m not a “runner” – I am happy to run for a long period of time – I have run up to 2-3 miles, but that was after consistent running.  After I got sick this year with that month-long sinus infection, it really took me back a few steps in my training – so I feel like now I have some catching up to do.  I met Ben in the park with the other runners.  There was this older man who wanted to run 7-miles.  I was like, “Okay crazy man!  Why don’t you start and I won’t follow!”  Anyway, I did 2 miles of a nice walk/run combo.  It was sooo hot today in Atlanta!  And I wasn’t wearing my good socks and I should have worn my good socks.  Socks really made a big difference!!  I was so sweaty and gross, but still decided to go to my gym and lift weights.  It felt great!

I am just really trying to focus on getting off my 100 pounds (short term goal).  As Ben said, “just think about where I was this time last year.”  I know!  Two years ago I was traveling in California with my ex and visiting my sister and brother-in-law.  Now 2 years later, I am in SUCH a difference place.  Two years goes by quickly but it also goes by slowly, ya’ know?  Like, I just can’t believe  what 2 years means.  It means changes and transition and ups and downs and strengths and faith and friendships and continuing to know I will reach my goals!  Just gotta keep on persisting and truckin’ along!  I really have to remind myself how far I have come!  And know if I have made it here, I can make it there.

I actually am still not 100% comfortable looking at old pictures of myself.  Maybe it’s because I am still trying to reach my goal weight?  Or maybe a part of me is embarrassed at how much I let myself go?  That time in my life was really important for many reasons – both where I was and where I was going.  This is a pic my ex took of my sister and me at the Tower of Terror – this pic is kind of symbolic of what a crappy place I was at in my life at the time!

My sister and me in CA. Tower of Terror has multiple meanings here - so much was going on in my life when this picture was taken!!

Most recent photo taken of me this past Sunday

This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest

My weight is still at the 80 pounds down mark.  I am so thrilled I’ve lost 80 pounds!  But I have my eye on the prize.  My immediate goal is to get down to 100 pounds off.  That’s only 20 pounds away!  I talked to my doctor’s office b/c of my plateau and they saw my food diary that I kept for a week.  They were really happy with my diary and maybe seemed a little surprised that I’ve hat this plateau.  The nurse said there wasn’t anything glaring off the page on my eating + activity.  So it made me happy to see that I am doing well and staying on track.  I can always think of a few things I can be doing to be better, but I am realizing that I’m never going to be PERFECT … but I can be pretty damn good!  

I am trying some new combinations of proteins and trying to eat something different for breakfast.  If my weight doesn’t budge in 2-weeks I might need another Lap Band fill.  

Anyway, over all things are great!  I just need to kick this plateau and sinus infection.  Especially now that I’m in this running group, I’m especially surprised my weight has plateaued.  Maybe it’s muscle?  I feel slimmer!  More than anything though, I’m just so much a happier now than ever before – due to a myriad of reasons.  I’m always daydreaming about where I’ll travel next.  And being healthy makes those daydreams a lot more fun now!  I’m in talks with a photographer friend of mine in Virginia about an Africa trip in 2011!  

Okay, Kate should be here so I’m going to go put on my NEW running sneakers!

This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest

I had a GREAT weekend in Asheville.   I hung out with hippies and re-connected with some of my best girlfriends from college.  We camped out and did morning Yoga and meditation and took a Thai massage class and I did a breathing workshop!  It was very centering to be near all the nature again and my friends.  It felt great to re-connect in a myriad of ways.  

Now back to the real world, but it’s a good world to be in.  

Morning Meditation

Doing Yoga is way more fun when you're not toting around 80 pounds!

This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest

I was always “chubby” and “overweight” growing up.  I told someone a story the other day about when I used to play basketball and my coach totally got mad at me because I couldn’t keep up with the rest of the team.  She sat me down in 8th grade – in the locker room – and literally made me feel awful.  Looking back, I’m sure she thought she was trying to help me.  And it’s not like I was so overweight that I couldn’t play and TLC was doing a documentary on me, haha, but I know that I wasn’t in as good of shape as the rest of my team.  So now, many years later, I’ve taken my progress seriously.  Weight loss is highly emotional and highly addictive.  And I want to reach my goals so badly.  I mean, hell, I’ve already lost 80 pounds!  Now I’m totally focused on reaching that 100 mark.  The pants  I wore to work today were too big.  It’s a bummer how much money I’ve had to spend on clothes, but it’s also joyous.  

Maybe that’s the point of this blog.  There is a good and bad to everything.  And as we grow up, we realize that there are two sides to every coin.  Being an adult has lots of cons but there are many pros, too.  I think I was always scared of growing up.  And maybe a part of me was scared to lose all this weight.  It’s all about fear of the unknown.  But during my walk/jog today after work – I saw some cherry blossom trees and the petals fell onto me just as I was walking underneath them – as if to say -

We welcome you.  Just as you are.  In this moment.  

This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest

Eventually, after about 40 minutes of quiet Yoga, Jen put on some awesome eclectic trance music from different parts of the world, and we were encouraged to just dance around.  All around.  Leaving your space completely.  Having Fun.  It was a blast!  If you like to dance, it is surely something to look into.  If you aren’t comfortable with that sort of dance, then you might feel a little uncomfortable at first, but after a few minutes, you will feel completely at home.  Every move you make is honored, and nobody is really paying attention to what you’re doing.  The idea of “looking dumb” just isn’t a possibility in this space.  It was pretty neat.  AND…I bet I burned a TON of calories between the Yoga and the dancing.  The end of the the evening is brought back to a calm Yoga and Meditation.  I’d definitely do it again!  I think there’s a time and a place for structured Yoga and a time and a place for “outside the box” Yoga, both of which I really appreciated.  This was something really new to me and I enjoyed the fun and openness of it very much so.  There was definitely a spiritual essence to this too.  

The funny thing is that Jen hasn’t seen me at all since I lost 80 pounds, so while we were dancing, she came up to me and danced around me and said, “It’s soooo good to see you!  Well.  At least half of you!”  Hahaha.  It was funny.  But while I was dancing and swaying and jumping around, I caught my attention thinking about how I was doing all of these movements with 80 less pounds on  me.  I felt so much lighter and happier, and it was a feeling I wouldn’t trade for the world.  I still got out of breath, but just the knowing at how much less weight I was carrying made me feel really awesome and so much healthier.  My body is my temple!  Oh, and I did a Yoga pose that I wasn’t able to do before!  So that was super exciting!

Here’s to trying very new things and letting yourself go.