I’ve been pretty obsessed with one of my favorite band’s new songs, “Human” by The Killers. I think that it’s a perfect song for where I am right now in my life. If you get a chance, definitely listen to it. It puts me in a total trance of thinking about my past and thinking about my future. The song paints such beautiful imagery of “saying goodbye” and “open doors” and all of the joy and heartache of searching for answers. It asks, “Are we human? Or are we dancers” I think it’s such beautiful imagery to what it means to be alive. We are human. But we’re also these complex spiritual beings. And to live is to find the art of letting go, which you have to do when you dance. But there’s also a rhythm and regiment to dancing, which can equate itself to being human, too. Not rules. But Regiment and Rhythm. Different things. The balance of letting go and “dancing” through life is a beautiful image to me. And so this Thanksgiving, it’s hard to not listen to this song and think about how far I’ve come since this time last year!
It’s so incredible how long a year seems, and yet, how it all seems like yesterday. This time last year I had just (mostly walked) my very first 5K. It was raining. The weather was really crappy. But I went to the Gobble Jog with my sister and brother-in-law. It was a lot of fun, but I remember being nervous to do my very first “race.”
One year later – I’ve done my second 5K (in October), and am down nearly 75 pounds! I am counting the numbers to 80. My goal: to be down 80 pounds by my one-year lap band anniversary on January 15th. And one year later, my sister and brother-in-law have a baby! Gabriel. Of whom I am so in love with. I wish I saw them more, since they live out in LA.
My Thanksgiving this year was really low key. We didn’t have any family in town – my grandma had knee surgery, so my grandparents stayed in Florida. And my sister is visiting her husband’s family in Houston. I went home and we had a “fake” Thanksgiving dinner. Which was fine, because honestly, eating isn’t as much fun as it used to be, haha. I just can’t eat as much, and simply, some of the fun is taken out of the habit. HOWEVER, food also tastes better to me because I can’t eat a lot of it, so what I do eat, I pay more attention to. I LOVE our Thanksgiving dinners, and so this year, we’re going to have our traditional Thanksgiving dinner on Christmas day – because that is when my sister, brother-in-law, and new baby nephew will be in town.
Anyway, to be thankful is to look at what you have (a place to live, a job that I love (in this rough economy, too!), a great family, wonderful friends, poetry, fun socks on my feet), but it’s also about looking at how far you’ve come. I’ve come a long way since this time last year. I remember thinking about how it was the last Thanksgiving meal I’d eat before having a Lap Band. There’s definitely a “saying goodbye” process that happens. I was a little short of 2-months away from my surgery.
And I have a great job, which I didn’t have this job this time last year either. Still have an extraordinary family + friends, and even those have seen some changes. I don’t want to be afraid of loss. Seeing family get older. And family dynamics changing. And seeing myself change. And thinking about past people in my life and past versions of my self. And then there’s weight loss – my favorite type of loss!!! But even that loss is strange - There’s a part of me that has to say goodbye to my old self, and my old habits, even though I know I’m still 100% me – if that make sense. To lose anything is to gain something new. I am learning this. Slowly. Surely. I am grateful to be here…writing…this moment.
Yes, to be thankful is to see what you have. And to see how far you’ve come. And to let go. And so, ((Deep Breath)) I look forward to seeing where I am, this time – next year.
Happy Thanksgiving to all. And dance…
