When I was at the beach with Katie, we were watching Paula’s Party on Food Network. Have you seen her? I’m telling you right now – she is FRIGHTENING! I’m not sure if it’s her blue hair, her hyena cackle, her over-exaggerated southern drawl – or the fact that she took a huge bite out of Mozzarella cheese as if it was a Golden Delicious Apple.
Golden Delicious she is not. The woman is a pioneer on Food Network. I get that. But people always give her the benefit of the doubt, “But did you know she used to be agoraphobic and never left her house?” Really? I don’t care. She scares me!
The episode we watched was all about CHEESE. And I do *LOVE* cheese, myself. But it’s frightening what she cooks. How does she still have a pulse? Has she not had a cardiac arrest? Are her arteries not clogged with fat and resentment?
The best was the “Fried White Chocolate Cheesecake” she made. As if cheesecake (which is my FAVORITE dessert) isn’t fattening enough, why make it white chocolate? AND WHY FRY IT? How are you still alive, woman? It was funny to watch because the audience was in glutton shock. Every time you thought she was done with the damn thing, she’d continue in her southern drawl by going, “And that’s not all!” … “Now we’re gonna drizzle it with chocolate…and that’s not all … now we’re gonna wrap it in a crepe … and that’s not ALL, y’all … now we’re gonna fry it. And that’s not all … now we’re gonna top it off with real whipping cream … and that’s not all … now we’re gonna drizzle it with chocolate and powdered sugar … don’t forget the fresh mint on top!…”
Katie and I were in such horrific shock we were screaming at the television set as if Paula could here us, “Please Paula! Make it stop!” We added up all the calories on Katie’s calorie counter on her computer and I think it came to about 2500 calories for just the cheesecake. I’m supposed to have 1200 calories a day on my Lap band. Most women are supposed to have 1700-2000 calories a day for a healthy metabolism. WTF Paula! One piece of your cheesecake is over double what I’m supposed to have in a day. You are evil and I think your teeth are too sharp and pointed for you to be a human being with a heart (that’s not clogged).
I’m telling you that this charade of “And that’s not all’s…” went on for what seemed like my entire 26th year of life. I could feel my heart clogging just watching this. Her overly bleached teeth and blue hair and that scary smile revel with delight that she is an evil monster that hides beneath fat people’s beds at night. She is Paula Deen, dammit. And this is her party.
12 Comments
July 14, 2008 at 7:23 pm
hilarious. I think the exact same thing when I watcher her show.
July 17, 2008 at 5:35 pm
I can’t watch her, UGH! I don’t know what’s more repulsive, her looks. voice. cooking or the fact that there are a lot of people that find her charming. She has come to exemplify the stereotypical fat dumb American cow to foreigners. No wonder there are people out there who want to kill us for spreading our culture.
July 21, 2008 at 9:02 pm
(hi. new reader here.)
ewwwwwwwww. I love watching Food Network, but I agree that Paula is a bit scary. I can’t watch her shows.
People joke about how much butter she uses and whatnot but, really, it’s not a joke. It’s so unhealthy. It’s kind of gross. I bet she uses globs of mayonaise on sandwiches, too. Someone needs to tell her to ease up.
September 23, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Paula is honestly that vivacious and her accent is real. She likes to say, “I’m your cook…..not your doctor.” I recently took photos of her at a benefit for the Savannah Safe Shelter (for abused women and children). She is over-the-top funny and very generous with her time and resources. To see photos of her in Savannah, go to spotted.savannahnow.com and type PAULA in the search box. Thanks…….
December 15, 2008 at 11:01 pm
She is disgusting alright. How can she teach us anything if its all wrong?
No one can eat like that !
She actually took whole cranberry sauce out of a can and took it and deep fried it. Just now she made a overly meaty and cheesy lasagne slathered with butter and if that wasn’t enough she decided to wrap 2 pieces of buttered bread around it.
CMON food network, we deserve better…
I’m sure she’s a nice person but she shouldn’t be showing people how to kill themselves!
December 21, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Paula is a visual example of gluttony. Sticking her fingers into almost everything she cooks and licking them, sighing over her obnoxious concoctions, rolling her eyes into cross eyed positions, & whispering over the food she prepares is all disgusting.
Today’s episode on a party buffet was over the top. She had a bowl of cherries jubilee in hand. As she readied for the commercial break she raised the bowl to her mouth and chug-a-lugged the juice made out of the ice cream melting in the hot cherry mixture.
I can’t watch another minute of this mannerless maven.
January 16, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Her recipes scare me. I like to watch her show while I’m chugging away on the elliptical machine thinking how glad I am that I don’t eat that food. Same for Barefoot Contessa.
February 26, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Honestly. American big business sure has all Americans afraid of food. That is, normal food. Natural fat. Meat. Vegetables and whole dairy. That’s what our grandparents and great grandparents lived on, and they lived a long time too. Cancer and heart disease were almost unknown before World War I. And everyone has bought into the idea that saturated fats are the devil, never noticing that it’s the margarine and Crisco industries paying for those studies that “happen” to “prove” that.
Wake up people. People in the South have been deep frying for ages. Julia Child’s favorite ingredient was butter. And she lived to be 92.
Fat does not clog your arteries — unless it’s transfats. Being fat is not unhealthy. Don’t swallow what the media tells you about food — they just don’t want you doing any home cooking like your grandma did, they want you buying products the big corporations are trying to sell you. Follow the money.
April 14, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Enjoyed reading this – sums up nicely how I feel about Paula… I saw the show once. She made a ridonkulously over the top lasagna, and a garlic bread recipe which was one baguette with *two* sticks of butter and assorted cheeses, etc. She then proceeded to make a “lasagna sandwich” by placing a ginormous slab of lasagna on the loaf garlic bread. And then she and her co-host each took half and began chowing down… Gah! It made my stomach cramp to watch it, yet I could not make myself turn the show off….
May 26, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Awe, I love Paula! I’ve never paid attention to her food though, I just like her personality! =)
August 2, 2009 at 12:04 am
i love paula’s personality and her food looks good. she is by no means the new age, whole wheat, olive oil, low-fat, dont eat carbs chef. she makes real food, the food you want to eat when you splurge. sure her recipes aren’t meant for everyday consumption, but whole fat, southern cooking has it’s place in the culinary world as well
September 1, 2009 at 11:12 pm
The cheesecake sounds almost as disgusting as the burger she topped with bacon and a fried egg, then sandwiched between 2 glazed doungnuts. Of course she licked her finger just before handing it to her friend to taste.