I Dress Therefore I Am

Tonight I came home and decided to try and find a pair of bermuda shorts/capris I own before I go to the beach  next week.  I think I wore the black pair once but they were too tight and uncomfortable.  But tonight I tried them on and damn they looked awesome!  Then I found the brown pair with the tag still on it!  I must have been so discouraged that I just stuffed them in my wardrobe and went on with life.  

While doing so, I came across a bunch of old jeans.  I was like, “Oh God.  Jeans.  I hate old jeans!”  Ladies – you know what I am talking about!  It’s a testament to your weight.  I’m not sure men understand women’s relationships with their blue jeans.  They are kind of like old postcards with a message – an affirmation – to your weight then and now.  It can be a very anxious experience to find those old jeans and try them on.  So, I decided to find my absolute FAVORITE pair of jeans from college.  They are worn and have orange and blue patches covering the gaping holes acquired from living in them a little too much, the belt loops are worn off and there are paint stains on them.  I tried them on about a year ago and I couldn’t button them.   I was so depressed. 

But tonight…they fit!!!  Actually, they were probably a little bit big!  It was like saying “hi” to an old friend. It was like finding that old postcard and being glad you took that trip.  I LOVED these jeans, and even though they are completely distressed, I totally plan on wearing them again, just not to an interview.  

Then I found some other jeans and they were all waaaay too big.  I had this big pile in my closet of all these jeans.  My cat thought it was a denim playground.  

It was just such a wonderful feeling to be able to pull up and button these old pair of jeans.  I’ll take a picture in them and post it once I get my iPhoto up and running.

I know that an issue I’ve had for many years is taking care of my clothes.  I know deep down it’s because I wasn’t taking good care of myself.  I think I was secretly so disappointed that my weight had fluctuated up and down and up and down and then up and up and up that I just didn’t care about my clothes.  Because of the fluctuation, I had to constantly get new clothes or buy clothes to make myself feel better – to give myself the illusion that I didn’t have a weight problem because I could still wear normal clothes.  But deep down, I know I didn’t take care of my clothes because I was so depressed and discouraged about my weight.  And embarrassed.  I also had to buy so many clothes that I have accumulated an insane amount of clothes from the years.  It’s going to feel SO AMAZING to completely clean out my closet – empty it – make room – put clothes that I am keeping back in an orderly way and start anew.  It will be like standing on top of a mountain for fresh air.   

I am really looking forward to completely cleaning out my closet when the time comes.  Getting rid of almost everything and just starting fresh.  A fresh perspective and fresh clothes!  Of course I’ll keep some things that I might have forgotten about or are nostalgic favorites – but for the most part, I really just want to start fresh.  The time will come when I’ll clean out my closet, I’m not ready just yet.  But I know when I do, the folks at the Salvation Army will be super happy!  And so will I.

And I vow that as I start taking care of myself, I will take care of my clothes.  I walk into my closet right now and it’s a disaster.  Everything else in my apartment is very orderly and clean.  But my closet is a crazy mess.  It’s where my cat goes when he’s sick to throw up or take all-day naps because the amount of clothes and craziness in there must make him feel like he’s in a warm jungle somewhere in the GAP Rainforest.  Ever heard of it?  It’s in my closet.  We can take a trip to it one day if you’d like, but you might not come out alive.  Indiana Jones would be too freaked.  

I know it’s a complete reflection of my fluctuation in my weight and my discouragement over the past several years.  Now, it’s more of a reflection that I am losing so much weight I can’t wear a lot of the clothes I owned or I just simply don’t like them anymore.  So, it’s a good reflection now, but a reflection nonetheless.  

The time has come!  I’m on my way!  I can fit into my college jeans again!!!  

Now I just need to invest in some hangers.