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I just came back from seeing my friend Scott Turner Schofield’s show “Becoming A Man In 127 Easy Steps.” T is a Transgender, born female and identifies as male. He is an amazing performance artist, story-teller and friend. He left me a message on my voicemail after my surgery telling me what a good writer I am, and because I respect him so much as an artist, I have definitely taken that as a compliment.

I realized through his sold-out show tonight that most of us are swinging between black and white (and Turner was literally swinging). We each have conflict within our heads and hearts of who we are – based on the story of who we’ve always been and, in many cases, what society thinks we should be.

Christian or Buddhist? Gay or Straight? Republican or Democrat? Birkenstocks or argyle? Hillary or Barack? Oprah or Oprah? (I’m pretty sure Oprah has a written contract with God that nothing or nobody can contend with her but herself) – And in T’s case – Male? Female? Both? Neither?

And so this brings me to my weight. After all, my Blog isn’t about the labels that fight each other in our mental battle of “WHO AM I?”

But even so, I think about how I’ve always been overweight. Chubby. Big-boned. Blame it on genetics and Chile’s. What have you. What will life be like as a thin person? How will it feel to not worry or think about things that come up for me – much of which I probably don’t even realize consciously? How will it feel to just go along my life and not have weight be an issue. Buy certain clothes off the rack. Go on a hike and not be embarrassed of my huffing and puffing. Much like, how has it been for Turner to go along his day and be called a “him.” Surely there’s a moment of pause when you say to yourself (or the gas station attendant, ya’ know, whoever is listening) – Wow! I am seen as a ‘normal’ person.

But then again, who ever wants to just be normal? We can want to be perceived as a Normal Rockwell painting, but within each of us lies a Warhol mixed with a Monet and splattered with some Pollack. On the inside, humans are messy, complicated, layered…and beautiful.

Turner and I are both, in our own ways, stepping into the unknown. And stepping into new bodies.

Turner has to inject himself with testosterone every two weeks for the rest of his life. I have to exercise and measure my portions and make many changes to my lifestyle for the rest of my life. Is this “burden” really worth it? Is it daunting to say to oneself that if you want to be the vision of yourself that you see in the future you must make these changes FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Especially when you plan on being around for a while. Of course it does! Does it stop us. No.

My sister said to me that I am such an adventurer – a lover of life. I have such an outgoing personality, and inside me is a super fit person that wants to take on everything that life has to offer. I have to make my insides match my outsides. My body match my brain. My heart match my soul. It’s like when Turner would pull dresses off of himself as a young girl – inside him was a little boy trying to make his outer world match his inner world. I am not saying gender confusion and weight are the same battle – but it’s fun to draw comparison.

Transition.

This is the word that comes to mind. We are never really done developing as human beings. Turner can follow his 127 steps to become a man – but he will never stop flowing and fumbling into “Manhood.” Much like I will always learn a little bit about life and a little bit about myself as I, too, transition into a new mind and body. And yes, I will flow and fumble, also.

Maybe next there will be “Becoming Thin In 127 Easy Steps” – Or maybe “How Bush Became Our President – Twice – In 127 Easy Steps.” Point being (and I still think I like Turner’s title best!) – is that everyone has these inner and outer battles within themselves to transition into who they’ve always been *meant to be. And these things don’t come with an easy-to-read instruction manual, unless it’s a chair from Ikea – and even those I have trouble with. Cut carbs. Exercise. Eat 3 ounces of protein at each meal. Don’t drink while eating. Cut sugar. Eat protein first. Have 2 Tablespoons of collard greens. Space meals between 5 hours of each other. And so on. My steps. My instructions. But living it day-to-day is nothing short of a whole new normal.

So, I guess that’s God telling us that we’re never done growing. We can reach our goal of accomplishing all 127 steps, and then we’ll take a breath and find that there’s a 128 and a 129 and so on…

Many people don’t want to “showcase” themselves until they’re at their goal. Turner could have easily not shown his PROCESS of “Becoming A Man…” and could have just waited until he felt 100% like a man and then said to the world, “Here I am!” Much like, I suppose, I could just wait and show you all my thoughts a year from now after I’ve accomplished my goals. It’s vulnerable to show yourself in transition – but I guess that’s just the story-teller in people like Turner and myself. I like to keep things interesting.

People are saying I look leaner and can definitely tell a difference in my face. Is my face getting smaller or is my hair just getting bigger But this feeling of satisfaction is probably how T felt when he could go into a men’s restroom and nobody would look twice. You feel in your heart that you’re on the right track, and slipping into the right skin.

What Turner taught me tonight (other than the fact that his rendition of “Son Of A Preacher Man” would make Dusty Springfield blush) is that we ought to take on these challenges – push forward – say OK to vulnerability – be scared and excited of the unknown – express yourself whether there’s an audience or not – and most importantly, have fun while doing so.

If we are, in fact, the artists of our own lives, then life is simply an artistic dream realized. We should all be thankful to be awake.

Thanks, T.

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To learn more about Turner and his work, visit www.UndergroundTransit.com