Tonight’s bootcamp was intense! Bootcamp tonight: Run 4 laps, 100 Squats, 50 situps, 25 pushups, 25 lunges, 25 pushups, 50 sit-ups, 100 Squats, Run 4 laps again. I don’t think I have ever sweated so much in my life! My big accomplishment was that I ran the 4 laps in the beginning and the 4 laps at the end without stopping. This tiny accomplishment made me feel really happy! It’s the wonderful small little pushes you give yourself that make all the difference. At one point, I think while I was doing one of the sets of 100 squats, I could feel my heart POUNDING inside my chest. I just thought about how hard my body was working. I almost stopped at the last set of 100 squats – I reached 80 and I felt really sick to my stomach and started actually feeling a little cold – like my body temperature was going down. Josh, one of the trainers came over and helped me do the final 20 squats. Then I ran my 4 laps and it felt sooo good to be done! It definitely felt like an accomplishment of mind + body.
January 20, 2010
Happy 2-Year “Bandiversary”!
I have passed the 2-year mark since getting my lap band. Time is going by so fast, it seems. I am sometimes not sure time really reflects change or change reflects time. Perhaps they are like odds and ends, ups and downs – you really can’t have one without the other.
I have started fitness bootcamp and this is a brand new endeavor that I never-in-a-million-years thought I would take on. When I look back on my life, I dreaded any type of physical activity that involved me being around other people. I loved playing basketball – but I was always the slowest person on the team. Those damn suicide drills literally felt like emotional & physical suicide. I despised P.E. class. I cringed at the fitness competition my elementary school had to do each year. Recently, my best friend and I visited our Elementary school and I laughed at how I would cheat on the number of straws I had to represent how many laps I took around the field. What a nightmare! I didn’t as much mind the gym – everyone kind of keeps to themselves. But to workout with people was a total non-desire. It always made me so anxious that other people would see what poor shape I was in!
I turned a corner 2 weeks ago when a friend of mine convinced me to join Fit Wit. She told me how nice everyone was – said there are some people who are super hardcore fit – and others who are average – and some that are beginners – but that everyone is very supportive. I really hated the idea of doing something that put me in a situation where I had to exercise with other people in a confined space – do drills and stuff. Well, long story short I decided to do Fit With b/c I was awarded 1 free session (6-weeks) b/c I wrote a blog entry for a competition they were having on why I deserved a free session.
Today was the first day of my 3rd week doing bootcamp … and I can’t believe these words are about to come out of my mouth … but I LOVE IT! Everybody is so nice and supportive! The trainers definitely push you, but they aren’t like those psycho trainers you see on TV (I am thinking of the Military sergeant in the movie Full Metal Jacket). And on top of this, I am really enjoying all the different activities we do each night. It spices it up. I am not dreading saying to myself, “Ugh, I have to go to the gym and get on the treadmill for 30 minutes). Instead, there are little activities you do in short but difficult increments of time. Everything is thought out for me too, so I just have to literally show up and do it! I am still learning how to do the correct form for some of the stuff – like squats. And I get a full 1-hour workout 4 days a week. I haven’t lost any weight yet, I think my body is like, “Whoa! What the hell are you doing?” But I am staying confident that I am building muscle and the weight will come off. I don’t think I have ever pushed myself this hard before in such a short amount of time too. If I can do it, I know you could, too.
Last Friday was my 2-year Lap “Bandiversary” and I was awarded, serendipitously, camper of the week! I won 20-free dance classes! There are so many moments during the camp when I think to myself, “I f***ing can’t believe I am actually doing this!” I picture how scared I was 2 years ago going into the hospital and now knowing what kind of person I would become when I walked out of there. It’s fun to push myself. Even though I have lost 90 lbs, I want to push my body and mind even further. I want to be in tip top shape. I want to keep changing over time into being a better, healthier “me.” It takes time, and I know I am not perfect, and don’t always eat perfectly or have the perfect thoughts or attitude or energy – but at least I am making baby steps!
November 24, 2009
Life: The Battle of Calories & Control
Things are going pretty well in my life. I mean, I can always find something to complain about, “I need more money” … “Oprah is leaving me next year. WHY!!!!!” Last week really put a lot in perspective for me. I know 2 people who lost their lives. One was a sorority sister of mine, only 26-years-old, who died after a 2-year battle with cancer. The other person was friend of a friend who tragically died on Tuesday in an auto accident on her way to work. This really puts things in perspective, especially as we inch toward Thanksgiving.
I will never forget when my sister pulled me aside during our “you need to lose weight” talk. We were in the Bahamas during Christmas of ‘06 – when I fell off that jet ski – and was the moment I realized I needed to lose weight. (Read my blog entry about it here.)
Although I didn’t have major medical issues, I knew I was on my way to having something like diabetes if I didn’t lose weight. I was still in denial. I remember saying to my sister, “What if I try really hard to lose weight and I end up dying from something else, like a coconut falling on my head, or a car crash?” And she said, “Well, at least you know you tried everything you could.” So it was kinda like one of those thoughts, “What if I tried really hard to not die from a bad heart or diabetes but something else ends up killing me anyways.” I guess that’s a normal reaction. But I knew I needed to do everything I COULD to be healthy. We are out of control in so many ways in our lives. So if I end up dying from a coconut falling on my head, I guess so be it. At least loved ones, and my own Spirit, won’t be able to say, “If only she had done something about that weight. She could have lived longer.”
This brings me some sort of peace. Also a little anxiety when we realize how out of control we are. Elizabeth didn’t ask for cancer. Errin didn’t ask for that fateful Tuesday morning. But perhaps there is some peace in something happening to you that’s outside of your control. It brings up Spiritual/Religious/Existential questions. But nobody can ever say, “If only they had done something different” It was what it was. So for me, I am trying to live a healthy life so that I can have as many years on this planet as possible … to travel the world … make a difference … have a family. And if something, by fate’s chance, happens. Then it is to be. At least I can say that I am taking my own health in my hands.
I am proud to say that I have officially lost 93 pounds!!! I can’t believe it! I had a huge drop this week – I lost like 6 pounds. I am not really sure why…I haven’t been overly trying, nor have I not been trying. Plus, it’s the holidays, and even the healthiest of people are overcome with food temptations! I am only 6 pounds away from losing 100 pounds! I honestly can’t believe it! The Lap Band has honestly saved me. It’s been hard, lots of acid reflux, vomiting, saying “no” to cookies, waking up at 7am to train for my first 10K, etc. It has not been easy. But it’s surely been worthwhile.
Visit my blog at Live Life To The Fullest
October 21, 2009
Hello…Again!
I don’t know why I have been on a writing hiatus lately … I just honestly think I have been feeling like I don’t have anything to write about. This is completely untrue! I mean, blog writing is just about writing – not necessarily about writing anything witty or inspirational or downright honest. Blog writing is just about writing! It makes me super happy to write. So I must keep writing. I’ve been so busy lately with my job and my recent photography show and being with friends. All wonderful things though that I should be proud of!
I feel like I have been eating out a lot lately. I have been working out on and off – I haven’t been as strict but I haven’t been slack either. I need to be a little more strict though – like tonight I didn’t work out but I should have. The trick is not making myself feel bad about this. Tomorrow is a new day!
My favorite thing I ate today was a tiny sliver of cheesecake at work. If you know me, you know that I LOVE CHEESECAKE. I swear – cheesecake is the only food that I literally feel like it goes straight to my soul. When my mom was pregnant with me, she only had a craving for cheesecake. So it’s not surprising that my favorite food in the world is cheesecake. A co-worker made some and I took a little sliver of it b/c I didn’t want to feel denied – but I also didn’t want a whole piece. It’s nice that I can show myself that I can have a little of this and a little of that and still feel in control. I will admit, when I go to NYC in 2 weeks, I am definitely going to have to get NYCheesecake (to me, the “C” in cheesecake is deserving enough to be part of the NYC abbreviation).
I ordered some cold weather running pants and a little glove and hat so now I have zero excuse not to workout even in a blizzard!
August 25, 2009
With My Friend, The Spatula
I have gotten back into my passion for cooking. Maybe it’s just the fact I’ve been more committed to cutting back my carbs, or the new season of Top Chef Las Vegas, or my Sunday matinee of Julie & Julia. Either way, I am glad to be back with my friend, the spatula. She’s a good friend by the way.
I really enjoyed Julie & Julia. I actually liked the part about Julia Child better than the Julie part (despite my favor in name 
) I think the “Julie” part – being about a blog writer definitely relates to a younger audience. If they made a feature autobiographical movie about Julia, I don’t think it would have gotten the same audience and warm response from people of all ages. Of course, perhaps I am just jealous that a blog writer got her blog made into a movie!
Tonight I made some spicy thai shrimp. I steamed the shrimp in a pot. I always find it a funny science that in order to thaw something, you let running COLD water onto it. One would think you would do hot water. This little tid bit makes me smile for some reason.
I mixed the shrimp in with some fresh mushrooms and spicy green curry sauce from Trader Joe’s. Then I mixed it together with some peanut sauce. Peanut sauce makes everything taste good! This would have been really good with rice, but I am keeping my commitment to only eat carbs 2 times per week. I had a pretty “carby” weekend (I’ll just make that a word), so I served it on top of spinach. It looks a little messy in the photo but it was very tasty!
Spicy thai shrimp
This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest
August 12, 2009
More To Love, More To Think About
I have mixed feelings about the show More To Love. I watched it for the first time tonight after Family Guy and after NYC Prep. My Tuesday nights are getting way too exciting 
There is something that really annoyed me about the show and I can’t put my finger on it. Any of your thoughts, insights and opinions are wanted! I don’t think it’s the premise, because I watched the show. Maybe it’s the guy whose dating the girls? Like, there is something about him that annoys me. He seems really sweet and kind. Maybe it’s the double standard between men, women and weight. Here’s this guy who is overweight but he seems to be like the “Prince” to all of these broken women. Tonight’s episode he hosts a Prom for the women – and so many of them started crying about how they never went to Prom or had awful Prom experiences, etc. I was glad they were able to re-live their experiences into a better one, but on the other hand, I just feel like there’s such a double standard. These women open up about how broken they are and how they haven’t had good experiences with men because of their weight, but what about him? Does he really think he is like the God-send to these women? That he’s the hottest thing since sliced bread? He’s not unattractive, but I don’t think he has the looks OR personality to give him the golden key to these women’s hearts. Personally, I think these women can do a lot better. Maybe it will make sense when I see him with the one he ends up with at the end of the show, but at least tonight, something about it felt unbalanced.
Even though I have struggled with weight, I don’t necessarily feel like I have missed out on my life. Although, I am glad I am solving my issues with weight while I am still young! But I went to Prom, always had a lot of friends, crushes, etc. I haven’t dated dozens and dozens of people, but I have been in love and in a serious relationship – and that relationship’s demise had nothing to do with my weight – we simply weren’t a good match. I now know, being in a healthy minded place, I wouldn’t choose to date the same person again who had unhealthy habits – but I didn’t fall into this relationship, or fall in love, because I didn’t think there would be anyone else for me. It has been very ironic that I was in a relationship 80 pounds ago, but now that I am fit and healthy and happy, I have been single for 2 years! It’s so ironic! And sometimes frustrating. But overall, I also know I don’t settle and don’t plan on settling for any less than I deserve, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Actually, the one part of the show tonight that I totally felt a ping in my heart about was a scene where the Bachelor and his date go horseback riding. He makes some comment like, “I hope the horse can handle my 300 pounds!” In another scene, the girl says something akin to, “I was glad the horse could carry me, I don’t know why it wouldn’t, it carries carts!” I definitely thought, “awwww, I know that feeling.” People don’t realize how being overweight really impacts these daily moments in life. I remember when I was at Disneyland, I was nervous to get on the roller coaster. I had all this anxiety in my head that the bars wouldn’t close. It wasn’t even like I was on a TLC show and couldn’t leave my house! But just being so aware of my weight caused me to be anxious about something as simple as going on a roller coaster. I still find myself catching my thoughts, but they are fewer and farther between. Now, I am excited to do physical activities because my body is turning into that of a more “normal” person. I can’t wait to go horseback riding, zip line in Costa Rica and go whitewater rafting again. The last time I went whitewater rafting was 80 pounds ago, and that life vest was really uncomfortable! And I recently went to Six Flags and had a great time going on the roller coasters and not worrying about those stupid safety bars!
Anyway, that’s my rant about this show. I felt glad that they were highlighting Plus Size women (and a man) as people who deserve just the same amount of love and commitment as anybody else. That’s the bottom line – everyone deserves love. I still go back to that I think a lot of these women – especially if they lost weight and felt better about themselves – could do so much better than this guy. I think they like the attention from him – feeling loved for the first time – and I go back to the first time I felt loved by someone, and overweight or not, it’s a feeling everybody deserves.
This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest
August 11, 2009
Tower of Terror: A View of the Past
I am sitting on my couch, cat is to my left and I’m watching Dateline and talking to my friend David on Gchat who is in Prague! And my friend Sean just got back from Ethiopia. I definitely have traveling on my mind since my friends are galavanting around right now, although I can’t complain too much – I traveled to Paris in January and am traveling to NYC in November!
My weight was at a standstill but now it seems to be heading South again – which I am really grateful for! I think it’s a mixture of a bunch of reasons, but I think I have hopefully gotten over my plateau. I weighed myself yesterday and lost 3 more pounds. This puts me at being down 84 pounds!
I went running today with the Atlanta Track Club – my friend Ben works for the ATC and organizes a running group for Monday nights. I sometimes feel intimidated because I’m not a “runner” – I am happy to run for a long period of time – I have run up to 2-3 miles, but that was after consistent running. After I got sick this year with that month-long sinus infection, it really took me back a few steps in my training – so I feel like now I have some catching up to do. I met Ben in the park with the other runners. There was this older man who wanted to run 7-miles. I was like, “Okay crazy man! Why don’t you start and I won’t follow!” Anyway, I did 2 miles of a nice walk/run combo. It was sooo hot today in Atlanta! And I wasn’t wearing my good socks and I should have worn my good socks. Socks really made a big difference!! I was so sweaty and gross, but still decided to go to my gym and lift weights. It felt great!
I am just really trying to focus on getting off my 100 pounds (short term goal). As Ben said, “just think about where I was this time last year.” I know! Two years ago I was traveling in California with my ex and visiting my sister and brother-in-law. Now 2 years later, I am in SUCH a difference place. Two years goes by quickly but it also goes by slowly, ya’ know? Like, I just can’t believe what 2 years means. It means changes and transition and ups and downs and strengths and faith and friendships and continuing to know I will reach my goals! Just gotta keep on persisting and truckin’ along! I really have to remind myself how far I have come! And know if I have made it here, I can make it there.
I actually am still not 100% comfortable looking at old pictures of myself. Maybe it’s because I am still trying to reach my goal weight? Or maybe a part of me is embarrassed at how much I let myself go? That time in my life was really important for many reasons – both where I was and where I was going. This is a pic my ex took of my sister and me at the Tower of Terror – this pic is kind of symbolic of what a crappy place I was at in my life at the time!
My sister and me in CA. Tower of Terror has multiple meanings here - so much was going on in my life when this picture was taken!!
Most recent photo taken of me this past Sunday
This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest
July 28, 2009
Spoilers & Positivity
I will start this blog off with some positive news! Yesterday I went dress shopping with my mom because I need 2 new dresses for some weddings – and I got the dresses at Nordstrom’s and Bloomingdale’s in record time! One if fancier for the wedding and the other is for a rehearsal dinner. It really was record time to find 2 dresses! I know my weight loss was a huge reason for this. The dresses are much cuter than I would have been able to get 80 pounds ago, too! My mom was really proud of me and I was too, even though I am stuck on my plateau, I have to think about how far I have come (and the journey isn’t over!)
This is my first blog from my new Macbook Pro! I am really excited about it because I am making some changes to my apartment. I live in a pretty small place (although awesome!) and I usually spend my time in my bedroom on my computer because that’s where my big Mac G5 is. But usually at night I decompress by watching TV or reading. I find that when I try to read in my room, I get distracted b/c my computer is right there. And then I can’t sit at my computer in my bedroom and watch TV because they are…well, in two different rooms! So my plans is that now I’ll have my laptop with me while I am watching TV and I can be productive! I can work on my website or my Photography or watch Family Guy (very important for Productivity) and most importantly, I can write my blogs from right here on my favorite orange reclining seat.
Just so you know, “The Bachelorette” is on TV right now and Jillian is debating whether to end up with Ed or Reid.
My weight has been @ a crossroads. It isn’t in a bad place at all. I am still down 81 pounds, but by God, this plateau is insane. I ran a 10K for crying out loud and still didn’t drop any weight! I have a very stubborn body (and mind!) I am going to my doctor in 2 weeks so I can get a fill – that’s the goal. I have done a food journal and the nurse said my eating is good. So, I’m not really sure the hold up. It’s kinda making me a little down, but I don’t want that to get to me too much.
For dinner tonight I had 1 Trader Joe’s burrito with some peach salsa and low fat sour cream. It wasn’t the best thing I could have eaten but it also wasn’t the worst. I got home at 8:30pm and really didn’t feel like cooking tonight.
I did treat myself to a great massage and this was very wonderful! I had the most tension in my neck and shoulders, and I feel like this “treating myself” is a good thing. I think I care so much about other people, that I sometimes put myself on hold. I’ve been better about that the last 2 years, but still – I am just a naturally nurturing soul. My goal tomorrow is to come home from work and go on a jog around Piedmont Park. Then I am going over to David’s house for dinner. So just as long as I get a good workout in before dinner, I will feel much better.
Update: Jillian is picking Ed.
You see … this is the joy of my new laptop! I can open my soul to you and also keep you posted on “The Bahelorette” – sorry for any spoilers.
Things over all in my life are amazing! I think I just need to keep pushing forward and pushing myself. I’ve been a little lazier than usual the last 3 weeks – ever since my 10K – but now I am gonna get back into being very dedicated again to my workout. I guess 3 weeks off is better than 3 months or 3 years! I am just ready to see results again like FO’ REAL!!!
July 5, 2009
The Real Race Is Within Yourself
Running on 10th Street!
After the race in Piedmont Park holding up my coveted Peachtree Roadrace T-shirt
Yeah! I did the Peachtree Roadrace! It was such a great experience! I woke up at 6 am to get ready – eat breakfast – stretch – listen to some upbeat music. I took MARTA to the Lenox station and found my group (8). I had about 40 minutes until my timed group finally took off – but it was so exciting to slowly keep moving closer and closer to the Start line. Once I was there awaiting the countdown – I actually started to tear up. I felt so silly, but I just couldn’t help it. I think I was just overcome by A) All the people + energy and B) Thinking about how far I’ve come with my weight loss and training. To some people, doing a 10K is second nature – maybe they grew up on the Track club or something. But to me, it was really a new beginning. Not only working out – but doing a street race like this with 50,000 other people. It just made me really excited and nostalgic of that time I sat on my balcony and watched it from afar…and now this year…I was finally doing it!I have to admit, it’s the best 10K for anyone to do for a first time. There are so many people that nobody is really paying attention to “you” – unless you were dressed in all spandex (as I saw). It’s a lot of fun with all the people and companies lining the streets to cheer you on. Everyone is in a great mood. And mad props to the Atlanta Track Club (Hi Ben!) for organizing such a great race!
I loved seeing the mile markers and knowing I had just completed 1 mile – 2-3-4-5, etc. Once I got to the High Museum (where I work) I knew it was the 5-mile marker, which meant I only had about a mile and a half to go! Once I turned on 10th Street, I knew I would see Edward and David at the corner of 10th and Myrtle, so that gave me my final push to the end. I just had so much fun. It was hot and I poured a lot of water on my head. I did my walk/jog combo and did my best to just listen to my body as to what I needed to do then. Cardiac Hill sucked (the hill at Piedmont Hospital). I am not even that sore today – it’s crazy. I remember doing my very first 5K 82-pounds heavier, and I could hardly even walk the next day. My legs and abs are sore – but definitely not nearly as bad as I thought they’d be. Which shoes me that my body is in much better shape considering I just did my very first 10K.
I jogged to the finish line and it was at that point I wouldn’t let myself stop. U2’s live version of “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” played on my iPod shuffle and it took me to the finish line. It was kind of an exciting + spiritual moment and I was so proud of myself for rocking it out at the Peachtree Roadrace. Of course, the real race is always within yourself – and I am loving seeing how my body is changing due to my weight loss – and my attitude – and I am already thinking about beating my time next year
This is from my blog Live Live To The Fullest
July 4, 2009
10K. 55,000 Runners. One Peachtree Roadrace
The Peachtree Roadrace is the largest 10K in the country and one of the largest in the World.
Nearly two years ago I was sitting on my apartment balcony eating cereal. I think it was some type of Kashi Go Lean and some vanilla soy milk. I was sitting there overlooking Peachtree Street as 55,000 people ran past my building, down 10th Street and capped off in Piedmont Park. I woke up pretty late, so I saw the last of the 55,000 runners as they took part in Atlanta’s #1 tradition – the July 4th Peachtree 10K Roadrace. As I sat there sipping my vanilla soy milk out of the bottom of my favorite breakfast bowl (it has little legs. I’m serious) and thought to myself, “I want to do that one day…!” I remember calling my now ex and saying it out loud – as if saying it out loud will somehow make it really, really, really real. Now 2 years later, I meditate on how much has changed. For starters, I don’t eat cereal any more and have to find new, creative ways to use my favorite cereal bowl. Then there are those other changes – the ex, the view from my apartment (I can no longer see Peachtree Street thanks to the new high rises being built), my career, my weight, etc. My life. I am neither where I was nor where I want to be – but isn’t that where you’re supposed to be at 27? I feel on my way though – definitely headed in the right direction. We want life to be linear (that’s where our control issues shine). Life isn’t linear. It’s very cyclical. And I think these moments we have remind us of that. Where we see who we were and where we are – and where we are now – and where we want to be. Little landmarks.
Do I think I’m going to run the whole 6.2-miles. Well, to be honest, I don’t. But does this mean I didn’t wake up at 5 am to register for the race or commit myself to a 10-week running group at 7:30 am on Saturdays – or got so over-heated one day running that I thought I might throw up – or was so overjoyed on another run that I felt surrendered to all things? Everything like this has happened. And it’s been a journey. Now down 82-pounds and counting, I am proud – so very proud – of how far I have come. I never really thought I’d ever take part in “those” races. They were for other people. All those “other” people were doing it that day I watched from my balcony at ate my cereal. Friends at 4th of July parties I’ve attended the last 15 years. ”Those” people did the Peachtree Road race and wore their t-shirts at the cookouts afterwards and talked about how hot it was. It was for them…”they” did it. But now it’s for me. Just as I am right here and right now. Imperfect and dreaming and pushing my goals forward. Anxious to wake up at 6 am and get on MARTA and take it to Lenox Mall. Anxious to get to the Start line. Anxious to get to the Finish Line at Piedmont Park (a few blocks from my apartment…I am so lucky!). Anxious AND excited! I will be with 55,000 people tomorrow – walkers, runners and in-betweeners – I’d like to think it’s a testament to my commitment to challenging myself and pushing my health further and further. I am the very first person in my family to do the Peachtree!
I have to give a HUGE thanks to my friends & family who have supported me these last several months and have wished me well tomorrow. I can’t wait to cross that finish line – even if I am wearing a nerdy “Fuel Belt” (H20 bottles attached at my waist) – I know people will be jealous It makes me feel prepared and maybe a little bit like a nerdy Super Hero.
I can’t wait to report back tomorrow on how it goes!
From a novice Peachtree Road race runner.
This is from my blog Live Life To The Fullest
